I am Slushy

See my previous post for disclaimers. Wherein I continue to advance through the ranks of hopeful stories for possibly inclusion in Triangulation: Last Contact. My sincere apologies to those of you who have been waiting patiently for decisions.  At this point we’ve officially accepted 15 stories (40,000 words).

Story 244 (3/5/2011 Science Fiction 4480 words)

Reader 1:  “The writing is good and establishes an interesting mood. The story has too much descriptive detail at the beginning and not enough story movement. There’s a bit of a clue on page 3/21 that something is happening, but the inciting incident doesn’t happen until page 12. There is a second story line–his relationship with [someone]. That starts earlier, but it’s not clear what’s happening between them. The story would be better if it started earlier and if the [main] pert of the story was interwoven with the relationship.”

This is a reprint. Thus the bar is set higher.

The first paragraph establishes a character in scene very directly, adds a hint of context, and a touch of mood. Strong opening. The writing is evocative and active, but I’m not getting story movement. The character isn’t motivated in a story sense. Then on page 3 we get false mystery. She was scared. They all were. Of what? I ask. I’m in the MC’s head after all. It’s far more effective (at least for us) to draw a reader on with story than with false mystery. You risk frustrating him with the latter. There’s no rule that says a story can’t have story arc AND mood, right? Rather than papering over a lack of story with false mystery and mood, consider stepping back to view the plot and see whether there’s been an inciting incident, motivated character, etc..

More false mystery. How the world used to be. He knew what was coming. These techniques work superficially, but not on a deep level, where story and character arc reside. These techniques pique a reader; strong story compels.

The opening scene doesn’t really move the story forward. It provides limited background and lots of mood. I do like the mood, but I’m hungry for story by this point. Skimming. Second scene is well written, but I still have no idea what the MC’s motivation is. Third scene is background. An interesting event on page 9. Stuff is happening to the MC at this point. Motivation at the end of page 9. The MC has a goal now.  Section V brings a true mystery. Another complication happens to the MC.  He makes a wish and it works. The story ends with a hopeful scene tinged with doubt. I do like the subtle twist that doubt represents.

Overall, I’d say the writing here is very professional and engaging, but the story is largely absent. If I were revising, I’d look first at the character’s motivation (in this story) and craft a plot that challenges him and gives him an opportunity to risk something for what he wants/needs most.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 5 A well written SF story about loss and second chances. Lack of clear character motivation and a weak story arc work against it.

Story 245 (3/7/2011 Horror 1406 words)

Reader 1:  “I don’t feel like there is anything new here.” (plot spoilers removed)

A diary entry format. The writing is lively, which helps offset some of the distancing effect of diary format. It’s a little breezy for my taste, but carries me along. I like the explanation of “them”.  However, we’re not entering info-dump mode and it no longer feels so much like a diary as a way to convey information to me. Losing interest.

There are some strong moments in this writing, but by and large it is a description of idea rather than a story.  Imagine the story that is described being shown on the page. I suspect it might still be too commonplace, but it would be a great deal more active and visceral. That’s what I would do were I revising this, in any case. I don’t see what is gained by the diary format and quite a bit is lost.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 3 A fairly common horror idea with some clever touches. Lack of immediacy works against this.

Story 246 (3/7/2011 SF 4700 words)

Reader 1:  “The writing is good, but I had trouble paying attention. I think it needs some work. First, we need to be more in the POV’s head. There is a big info dump on pages 7-8 and at the same time, I’m lost when it comes to the political situation. I think it needs to come in more slowly to digest it. This isn’t my kind of story, so I’m going to give it a maybe. I think it might interest others. “

This comes from an accomplished writer/editor.  The opening paragraph establishes a character in scene, a genre, and a potential inciting incident. It’s solid, though I don’t feel fully connected to anything for some reason. Not sure why that is.

Same reaction to the second paragraph. Well written and advances the scene, but I feel curiously detached. It may be because the things I want to understand and see are not the things I’m presented with. Instead I get broad concepts suggestive of context, but not very specific. In a sense, I feel as if I’m in a gurgleflurb heading for Sonaly One. Looking at the prose, it doesn’t seem as if I should feel that way, but I do. Maybe a few concrete details would help set me straight. It is difficult to balance being true to viewpoint and bridging the gap between a reader’s experience and a remote story world. I certainly don’t begrudge this story’s approach; am just reporting my reaction so far.

I love the MC’s thought when the visitor goes to one knee. Priceless. This does reinforce my issue though. I had no idea he was wearing a hat, or that he was actually from off-ship or that the ship had been waylaid. These are the details I want to know when entering a scene (unless the MC doesn’t know them, of course; then it’s more difficult).

I do like where the first scene ends. Nice tension; good characterization. We have story here.

Second scene complicates the story. Dark shifts toward light. Very nice. There’s a slight tendency to over describe, especially character reactions, but it’s solid stuff.

Drat. The next scene lost me. It’s an info-dump of epic proportions. The author steps on stage to deliver a description of concept and world history lesson. Certainly the MC will need some small part of this in her actions/reactions to story stimulus, but I certainly don’t want it now. Save it for the book (And, yes, i do grant that complex SF ideas do require some info-dumping, but this one seems self-indulgent rather than necessary to my appreciation of the story at hand).

Next scene is very good. Another complication. Next scene opens with unattributed dialogue. Not a fan of that; I’d much rather see the speaker and get a sense of his place in the world rather than hear his words in a vacuum (false mystery). The conversation that ensues is excellent.

The gender issue needs some setup early in the story. It comes out of left field here. The scene around page 17 is going on too long for me. The scene around page 20 is going on a bit long for me. This reads like anti-climax and, as such, pushes the story structure out of balance.  Ah, it’s actually climax. Focus on the tension rather than lack of tension when she makes the announcement, maybe on her own uncertainty. Something to build this scene toward the climax. Her enemy should probably put up more of  a struggle just before, as well. This feels too easy now.

It’s kind of a trite ending. I don’t mind it so much, but it could be shortened since I’ve seen it many times before.

I have not seen the story proper before though it’s slightly reminiscent of Foundation. Overall, I like this a lot. It can be shaped a bit better to deliver a cleaner climax and to better focus it on the gender issue that becomes important. The writing can be sharpened a little here and there. I think this could find a place in the collection with some revision. I’ll pass it along.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 7 A complex political SF story about empire and personal power. A weaker than optimum story arc weakens it somewhat.

Story 247 (3/8/2011 SF 4334 words)

This one opens with dialogue, not unattributed, and a character waking another character up. It’s mid-scene and establishes a character, but feels a touch overwrought. I recall James Gunn’s advice to me after I opened a story in a moment of high tension. “There’s only one way to go from there.” That’s the danger.

Second paragraph establishes that the person speaking is NOT the MC, the person being awakened is (and first person to boot).  These are all red flags for me, unfortunately. I’ve had to shift the protagonist; the first person filter is in place, and now I have an awakening MC (usually a sign that the story is not ready to begin). Red flags are not always right though.

Another red flag. The MC is not explaining something to the other character that they (presumably) already know. This is a dialogue info dump and a sign that I’m not quite in the MC’s perspective, at least not yet.

There’s a paragraph of background information. This is okay since it’s internal thought, but I’m not sure why the thought is triggered here. The previous reaction to the other character’s prodding works, but this further elaboration seems for my benefit, not the character’s. Beware whenever you find yourself striving to provide background information to me. If it’s important to the story, the character will need it, not me.

There are some nice details here. I like the feel of this world. Page 3 brings a potential inciting incident. I’m not sure it actually motivates the MC in a story sense. Seems to happen to the MC. The end of scene is pretty good. This could be the beginning of a true mystery. I don’t understand what the MC wants or needs though, which limits my appreciation of the stakes involved.

Next scene is a card game. It’s not moving the story forward. The story hasn’t really begun actually, since we haven’t got a motivated protagonist yet. We do have a strange incident but we also need a character who reacts to it and pulls us in. This scene feels very day-in-the-life so far. Another potential inciting event. I would call it a complication, but I don’t know what the goal is that it complicates.

We get some world background. A conflict between parties. No motivation for the Main Character yet. Story really hasn’t begun yet.  Some nice tension in this scene. The MC is a spectator. A tense standoff. Some character tension. This provides a momentary motivation, but what is the larger motivation?

On page 12 we have a nice decision point. It feels like a climax, but it’s not as powerful as it should be because we have not invested in the character’s larger story. Good action though. On page 16 we get the answer to the mystery earlier in the story. The trouble here is that we haven’t even thought about it since then. It comes across as convenient rather than substantial. Then we get explanation of background.

The story seems to be starting now.  Another action scene. It’s done pretty well. If I were intensely identified with the MC it would be even stronger.  The ending comes mostly out of left field. It wasn’t set up until midway through the story (unless I missed something earlier, which is possible).  The actual ending has real potential. The story needs to focus on this issue from the get go and develop around the MC’s desire to see something like this happen, complicated by her friendship with the secondary character. What if the injections happened on page 1, for example, and the MC took this as evidence of government abuse or disrespect? In reacting to that impulse, we could get some political background that is relevant and some setup for this ending. The mystery would need further development through the middle so that the revelation of the answer doesn’t seem so random (MC ought to be actively seeking an answer to the issue). Mainly, I want a motivated character faced with these events, rather than a character whose primary function is to show the world to me.

I should also mention that while first person is handled just fine in this story, I don’t think it’s the best choice of viewpoint. A close third person will almost certainly work better to draw the reader into identification with the MC. There’s something about being trapped in a character’s head that weakens reader identification. First person is usually best used when the perspective itself is an important part of the story’s effect (say a quirky character voice, an unreliable narrator, or a character who views the world in some particularly interesting way that is relevant to the story resolution). Where a character’s context (how he fits into the world) or objectivity is important, third person is usually the better choice. Which is a perfect opportunity to share a quote from a fellow flasher at Show Me Your Lits (who teaches creative writing), Cat Carlson: “We struggle to get in[to a character's head], but the really beautiful writing comes when you make it back out. “  This is her comment on the tendency of her students to write first person narrative at first, then third person as they become stronger writers.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 5 A military SF tale with a political undertow. Lack of a motivated protagonist and a slow opening detract.

Story 248 (3/8/2011 SF 1500 words)

The opening places me in scene. The second sentence goes on too long for me. It tries to jam too much information in too quickly. What I need is a sense of stage, how this character fits into it. Then the smaller details can pull my focus to her. I would keep the breasts, but delay the other info just a bit.

Unfortunately, the story starts out moving backward. There’s no inciting incident, no motivation, just background to get us up to the opening image. Much like a framing device, which we all know I’m not a big fan of because it’s so often used to paper over a lack of actual story.

I’m through four pages and its’ all background, with a few flashes of back flash. The result of this approach is that I feel no immediacy. Rather, it’s as if the story is being explained to me rather than experienced. Imagine showing this story on the page instead? Forward movement, character identification, rising tension, mystery as to how it might end. Much more interesting than investing a half hour finding out why the MC is crying in the first paragraph, no?

Around page 5 it begins to feel like forward movement. More interesting here. A suitably sad ending, yet imagine how much power it would have if we didn’t already know something like it was coming? This is the cost of a framing device. Too many of us choose this device without really considering why. It’s an easy way to give a story that full circle feel; more often it’s just a way to sap tension and immediacy from it. Every once in awhile we see a framed story that works really well for us, but it’s pretty rare.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 3 An SF love story with an alien twist. Lack of immediacy and forward movement hinder it.

Well, that’s it for tonight. One more candidate story.

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Slushy away

Today, from a secure remote location, I do my best to provide real time reading comments for stories in the Triangulation: Last Contact slush. See my previous post for disclaimers.

Story 12  (11/28/2010 SF 5800 words)

This one is a little long for us and it’s also a reprint, two strikes, but not an automatic out. The story was passed on to me by another editor, which means it’s got some promise, so…

We begin in epistolary mode, with a letter written by our likely protagonist. It delivers story background efficiently. I’m not exactly compelled, however. Midway through page 2, I’m still on background.  Worse, it’s something of a talking heads episode, with the writer telling his correspondent things he already knows for my benefit.  Page 3 and I’m still reading background. It’s an interesting time in history, which keeps me going, but I’m not compelled. The voice is very good and I love the emotional passage regarding Mira, but there’s rather more telling about story background than moving story forward at this point.

By page 6 the telling is more active and it’s an interesting situation. I’m still hung up on the fact I’m reading one humongous letter, i.e. being told about a story. As letters go it’s pretty vivid and I wouldn’t mind getting a letter from this guy. As stories go, the technique is slow and distant. My main concern is that this story requires such a telling.

Page 7 segues into actual dialogue and more immediate telling.  It’s a welcome change.

Page 8 gets downright evocative. I’m like the fantastic element.  By page 12, I’m feeling a little edgy. This seems to be taking a long time to develop. Glad to see smells utilized.

Once we get to the iron horse, the story is quite interesting, the writing often wondrous. From this point forward, I do feel compelled.  The ending is strong and does justify the epistle approach (at least marginally – I would be even happier had I read this story from within scene, though it would certainly provide a different mood in that telling).

This is a difficult one in that I really like the overall story and the voice is consistently strong. It starts too slowly, carries more words than events support, and is a reprint. Thus, I’ll vote No, but pass it along to the other editors. If they like it, I’ll be happy to relent, but will want something done with the slow opening and talking heads sections.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 8 The story largely accomplishes its goal, which is to provide an alternate history with an interesting speculative element. The voice is very strong and I have a very real sense of the period. The overly slow opening and talking-heads sections work against it, however.

Story 13  (12/05/2010 Fantasy No word count – 5 ms pages)

This one has been read by two editors, one favorable, one unfavorable. Let’s break a tie.

This starts with an interesting concept (good hook). I’m troubled that the writing feels very distant. Past perfect tense, a lot of passive structure.  “as he was” “he could feel” and other such phrases remind me that I’m outside character, watching the story unfold. This isn’t necessarily a problem for some stories, but it may be here, as this seems to be a character story.

It’s a really quirky, interesting idea. I wish the character were more involving.  I find the text shaping (text arranged into visual patterns on page) more distracting than helpful. The concept is escalating. Emotion is not.

Cute ending. The story has an idea I could definitely support, but settles for cuteness over depth. This is potentially a commentary on the human condition, but without human emotion comes across as an exercise in technique. Unfortunate. I have to vote No.

Were I to rewrite this I would focus more strongly on the character’s emotions and on a more immediate telling (not necessarily present tense, but less summary prose, more active). I would also look to sharpen the various scenes such that each more clearly (and powerfully) makes a point about our human condition. Alternatively, this idea might be written as a very short prose poem, in which case the text structuring might be useful. There, too, the sharpness of the word choices and images will be paramount.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 5 A really quirky idea played out to logical extreme. The problem is in its emotional arc, which is basically missing. Points for concept; points off for execution. With a shaper satiric point, this could be wonderful. Hopefully, it will be after some revision. I don’t feel confident enough that a rewrite will solve the problems, to suggest one, however.

Story 14  (12/09/2010 Fantasy 3464 words)

Opens with a scent, which is a nice change of pace. Unnamed protagonist, not so much. No hint of speculative element on the first two pages. Very mainstream, good observational detail, but no story momentum at all. Skimming.

Unnamed love interest shows up on page 5. At this point, there’s enough story movement to justify maybe a page of prose. The writing is solid, even excellent at times, but not at all what we look for in Triangulation. Too much attention to detail that does not promote story and a hint of pretentiousness in the unnamed characters.

The first scene could be summarized in a single sentence. He played a spellsong and the animals came, and she came too. Seven pages to show this action is too much (for us; not necessarily for a lit mag).

Next scene is a dream, which feels dreamlike, but adds nothing to the story’s momentum.

Next scene: more animals. She is there as well. Interstingly, “she” is never described in other than generic terms. Am I being set up for a twist? (and is my suspicion as to what it is, correct? Stay tuned). What I’m NOT being, is drawn into the character’s perspective. I do have a good sense of his mood and memories, but when he looks at someone without seeing any detail, it pushes me right out. There is some story movement in this scene.

Another(?) unnamed woman appears. We get some dialogue on page 11.  Love the line about mirrors.  This scene has some story movement – enough to support its word count. I’m still a bit lost, but in a good way.

I’m grateful it did not go to an expected place, nor was the twist simplistic. The ending is resonant, but would be even more resonant, I suspect if the first woman’s details were not so obscure. And I’ve no real idea why the characters should not be named. An argument might be made that they’re “everymen”, but the loss of specificity in a story so obscurely told, is bothersome.

The writing is observant enough that a lit mag might like the story. For us, it’s too obscure and much too slow to develop.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 7 As a literary ghost story, this works reasonably well. The writing is observant and often evocative and the ending feels resonant. I think the story would be more effective, however, with more concrete details, especially of the first woman, and fewer esoteric inferences. Shining moments shine best when contrasted with gritty concrete.  In a sense, this seems to be trying too hard, at least for my taste in literary fiction.

Story 15  (12/10/2010 Fantasy 3800 words)

This opens with a simple declarative paragraph that provides us with a character in context. Effective, not flashy. I like that.  I’m a little put off that the secondary character is static for two paragraphs, almost as if waiting for his cue. I’m also feeling slightly disoriented, because when the main character looks around, he sees nothing. Is this desert? Forest? There’s talk of “other houses”, but where? I would need one, possibly two small details (in the initial paragraph, perhaps) to set a stage to hold the details that emerge.  I do like where the opening scene takes us. We have a speculative element, a sense of true mystery (i.e. something mysterious to the viewpoint character).  It’s setting up as a three wish scenario, or perhaps a careful what you wish for. The details are different enough that I’m fine with that, but I do need it to go somewhere fresh in the end.

Second scene is similarly sparse. Mostly effective, but once again I could use just a hint more stage setting.  I’m not having a good feeling at this point. I’m expecting this to go to a familiar place. If I’m wrong that will be excellent.

Third scene throws me off balance in a very good way. Liking it.  Stage setting is strong in this scene. That makes for an interesting contrast with earlier scenes. I would still want SOME stage setting in the other scenes. They can be sparse, but not empty. I’m fully engaged at this point. Previous concerns have evaporated. Why? Because this scene takes me someplace totally unexpected, yet feels valid given the opening scenes. I do need to see the connection between the scenes by story end, but I’m looking forward to it now.

Both the woman and the man come off as a little to accepting of their fate (their transition from opening scenes to this new place and situation). It’s not a deal breaker, but a hint of … I don’t know… shock? doubt?… could potentially help, especially if each character reacts a little differently, thus differentiating them further.

Scene on p10-11. I’m not convinced by the man’s reaction to the woman. He’s definitely too accepting of his situation now. I do like his questions to her on p 11-12.  I like her explanation of the medical supplies, but her suggestion that his skills will come in handy here brings me back to feeling that she’s too accepting of her situation.

The next scene comes too abruptly. The idea is fine, but I need more of a sense of transition. The ending, while interesting doesn’t quite satisfy. The woman’s situation resolves, but the man’s seems too pat. Overall, the good parts outweight the negatives for me, but not enough so that I would recommend purchase. I will, however, send the story around to the other editors and see what they think. Maybe a rewrite, though I’m worried that the man’s story needs an inspiration. An alternative could be to tell the story completely from the woman’s point of view. In that case the man’s “wish” is not so center stage and can be reported second-hand (i.e. rather than us seeing him make his wish and knowing exactly what he said, he could report it in a way that gives some wiggle room, e.g. Oh, I told him I’d like to be well off, you know, money, land, that sort of thing.”) I can see why the trickster character would pick these two people for the tasks at hand, but it’s not clear that he’s tricking them, which makes me think he’s granting their wishes. For the story to fully work, I suspect we need to come away understanding WHY the trickster did what he did when he did it. I can infer that he did this to save the children, but WHY? And why did he really need a carpenter and medic? If the story has to be expanded to include this facet, I’m for expanding it. I wouldn’t need a lot, just enough to understand.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 7 The story plays to our expectations, then changes them in good ways. The middle story, in particular, is quite vivid. A somewhat rushed and imperfect ending keeps me from rating it higher. This is one of the rare stories that leaves me wanting for a little more word count, especially in transitional scenes near the end, and in the characters’ emotional transitions after their shift to the alternate world. In particular, I want to come away knowing why the instigator did this.

 

 

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Slushy again

Wherein I do my best to provide real time reading comments for stories in the Triangulation: Last Contact slush. See my previous post for disclaimers.

Story 8 (12/6/2010 SF 1800 words)

This begins with a summary paragraph. As a frame hook it’s okay, but reads a bit flat. Second paragraph continues in summary flashback. This is not a good sign. Not only do I have the gauze of summary separating me from character identification, now I have a flashback as well. First person is not helpful either. Contrary to common belief, first person is a difficult viewpoint to draw a reader into. It generally works best with an unreliable narrator (where the unreliability is necessary for story effect) or for a character with a colorful, vibrant voice (wherein the reader is drawn to character through the exuberance of his/her voice). Of course this is only a guideline. The actual rule is that first person works where first person works, and not where it doesn’t.

I don’t believe it’s rare for a father and son to share a favorite baseball, football, team. I imagine it’s rather common. The PA announcement seems emotionless, which doesn’t help the feeling of seeing this story at a distance. I can’t help imagining reading this story from within the events, the startling emotion of it, the sudden wonderment. That doesn’t come through in summary; all we have is an intellectual explanation.  I do like that religion is brought into the mix, but it’s not a very deep view of the issues involved, which makes it feel glossed over (summary).  Skimming.

I like that music plays an important part in this. The problem is that intellectual music does little for me; it’s the emotional context that matters. The intellectual puzzle here would be fine in support of an emotional story line.

The Jerusalem setting comes out of nowhere. Makes me wonder from where this story is being told. I should know that early in the telling. More summary. Explanation of the idea.

The story ends with an emotional moment, but it’s doesn’t feel all that new to me. The idea really isn’t all that new and since the story is told almost completely in summary, I’m not left with a sense of story power either. I’m afraid this one doesn’t work for me.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 3 The idea is classic SF, which means it’s a bit “been there” for me. The story is told almost completely in summary in a journalistic style. Consequently, it comes off as an explanation of the idea, rather than a story involving a motivated character facing obstacles and succeeding or failing in an important way.

Story 9 (12/7/2010 SF 1800 words)

This one comes from an author who is obviously full of himself. I try not to allow cover letters to impact my reading one way or another, but you do yourself no great favor by bragging in a cover letter. A simple list of credits and awards is plenty. If you’re an author whose work I recognize or you’ve been published in Asimov’s etc I’ll probably give the opening a bit more leeway, but the story still has to work.

The story opens strongly. Effective hook, efficient set up of character in a setting and an implication of story background (and importance). I’m on board. The story begins struggling just a bit against itself by the end of the first page.

The second page doesn’t seem to be advancing the story. Technically it’s showing the concept, which is good, but the events seem somewhat superficial to me. The idea of a cop assigned to personal surveillance due to a union requirement is kind of a hoot. These ideas feel a little old fashioned, though (I would like to see them made relevant again, but this isn’t doing it).  I do like the top of page 5.

I’m having issues at this point, though. The story seems to be evolving as a brainstorming exercise rather than a story with an actual point. We’ll see how it ends.

The co-opting on page 6 is nicely done. That drew my interest back to the page.  The scene on p7-8, however, seems like more free form plotting. I don’t sense escalation of idea or emotion, just cool ideas thrown out there to see what sticks. It’s unfortunate because I love the prose, efficient and vivid.

I really like the core concept here; the execution is turning me off, however. When there is an actual plot element it comes across as an explanation of plot; when the prose becomes involving it’s mainly meaningless action meant to intrigue or provoke. Page 10-11 is a good example. This is plot background explained to us via a talking heads device.

Another new idea on page 14. It could be escalatory, but I’m betting it’s not.  Page 15-16 is more explanation of idea. I like the end of page 16.  Nice imagery on 19.

Ends well enough. A little Adam and Evey for modern SF, but it’s more than that too,  so that doesn’t bug me too much.  What does bug me is that there’s some really nice throwaway ideas here, some great visuals and a wonderful core idea, yet I don’t get a sense of story at all. There’s no real sense of a motivated character encountering obstacles and succeeding or failing in an important way. Technically, the obstacles were faced before this story began, the character succeeded and failed before this story began, and what we see on the page is pretty much inevitable rather than compelling.

I’d love to see a revised story based on this core idea, but I won’t suggest it. Past experience suggests this author will not be receptive. It’s a shame.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 5 I like the writing here, but the story arc is relatively flat, lacking escalation. Instead we’re given a series of active scenes with little relevance to plot escalation, interspersed with dialogue that tells us about the idea and story background. While I really like the core idea and the way it’s implemented within character, I don’t find myself caring much about the outcome. It strikes me that this character is fully formed at story opening; the obstacles he’s faced took place before this story, his success and failure took place before this story. This leaves the experience feeling more inevitable than compelling.

Story 10 (12/8/2010 SF 991 words)

This begins with a fairly dull hook. It’s okay, but doesn’t really grab my eyeballs.  Then we come to unnamed characters, which can be a problem for me. It generally comes across as pretentious unless there’s truly a reason to populate the story with unnamed icons. We’ll see.

The opening page is presented reasonably and does make me think. The story action, however feels a little repetitive and I’m not engaged with any particular character yet. Page 2 names a character, which makes the unnamed character on page one more annoying (to me). We then get an argument second hand.  In a story starving for on-page drama, this seems the wrong choice here. I feel as if I’m being told the idea, with story action as a filler between points.

Where’d the elevator come from? By the end of page 2 I’m finally identifying with a viewpoint character. The memory adds a nice texture here. A clever bit on the bridge; I like the switching cars detail as it characterizes the protagonist and adds some on-page action. However, I don’t feel any real escalation of emotion yet.

Okay, this goes to a kind of interesting, ironic place, a choice between the past and the present as the world ends. Truthfully, though, the story doesn’t do enough with this idea. The first three pages read as a setup for the final action, rather than a story escalating and changing its character. Even flash fiction requires a sense of change, preferably in the character as well as the situation. If I were to revise this, I’d begin with a clear viewpoint character, show the actual argument, and push the character to run to the cemetery, then have something there trigger his regret. It’s all a little too pat as the story stands now. We don’t witness any real drama and the idea is logically delivered, rather than a consequence of story arc.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 4 While I like the irony of this situation, the story itself comes across as a delivery mechanism for the idea. We don’t particularly empathize with the main character until halfway through, and then it’s a fairly simple hop from his initial state to his end state. I didn’t feel that the story pushed him there, partially because the argument is held off page.  This story will likely work best as a very close character study rather than a summary of an afternoon.

Story 11 (12/9/2010 Horror 3000 words)

Okay, another cover letter devoted to braggadocio. This author does not come across as bragging, but a letter listing 20 or more credits and a review for a different story strikes me as overkill. There are a few markets out there that ask for this nonsense, so I’ll not be too critical (but still a little critical, eh?).

Anyway, the story begins with a character in an intriguing situation. I identify with him almost at once. The second paragraph, which mainly belabors the point, could go and I wouldn’t miss it.

Page 2. So he can read, but he can’t see other than to notice the light is dimmer? That rings false. I’m having a little problem with the passivity of the prose. Stuff keeps happening to the protagonist; he doesn’t seem to act upon his world at all. Red flag there. I’m quickly losing sympathy as this page goes on describing small details with extreme attention. Are they the precise details we need? Do they advance story or character? It’s kind of hit and miss so far.  Yet, when I NEED a specific detail (say a face or a voice) I get generic.  The mix is off to my reading ear.  For example, when a character looks at a face he knows without seeing a single detail, I’m certainly not fully in his perspective.  When characters react to the stimulus of the scene, they become real. When they react without that stimulus it usually comes off as an intellectual exercise, as it does here. To be fair, the story never says he’s “reading” the novel (I went back and re-read), but that’s what stuck with me because that’s a first level assumption from the evidence. I’m being a little tough here because I think the story has some potential to be sharp and involving, but settles too often for mushy detail and introspection.

On page 4 “when he was thrown off”. All these passive indicators are piling up on me. This character needs to DO something.

Top of page 5. I have a prediction where this is going. Hope I’m wrong.

I’m feeling more involved as page 6 begins. There’s a realistic conversation, some specific details. If this is going where I expect, the story should have begun with the ghost that popped up at the end of page 2.

It gets more interesting on page 8. Some effective horror bits.  It doesn’t end quite as I expected, which is good, but it’s a fairly typical horrific end, without a lot of character exploration. On the horror level it succeeds fairly well, though it’s too long for the payoff. On the character and idea level, it doesn’t do enough to stand out from other stories I’ve read.

Slush-o-meter (1-10): 7 While there’s an effective horror ending here, I felt the story opened and developed too slowly and didn’t offer much beyond a standard horror payoff.  The protagonist’s extreme passivity was also an issue for me.

 

 

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Signs of flooding – revenge of Slushy

The pace of submissions has picked up a bit this week, reminding us that we’ll likely get a flood of manuscripts in the next three weeks. That probably means we’ll be getting tight on slots for the anthology. If you’re a writer, consider sending off that submission before the final week. We’ll take as long as required to read each and every submission, looking for that glimmer of gold among the slush, but it gets more difficult to hook us as we run out of room.

Which brings me to this week’s slush.

Story 1 (1880 word magic realism):  And my internet connection promptly goes down. A sign? Here we go… The opening scene is interesting. It promises something darkishly unicorn. There’s only minimal scene setting, but since it seems to be contemporary (despite the initial clue to rough hewn lumber) that may be enough. Could go either way at this point. Second scene makes me suspicious. This is a seven year old, and it’s premature to be discussing her ravishing looks and potential as husband bait. It’s also a little young to be labeling her as dumb, requiring help with math, etc.. I’m not getting a good vibe about this child’s portrayal. It gets much better later in the scene. There’s some wonderful writing here and that promise of darkish unicornism persists. By scene end I’m a little worried that the darkish unicorn theme is a little simplistic for the promise made, but we’ll see. Third scene starts to lose me. Too much is being artificially withheld. This is a time to reveal the mystery, not shroud it. My suspicion is the mystery isn’t really all that meaningful in the end, leaving the author trying to obscure that through making it seem really mysterious.  The writing is evocative, but frustratingly obscure at key moments. Final scene constitutes a reveal, but reveals nothing clearly. One can read between the lines to figure out what may have been going on, but isn’t it the author’s job to come up with something really meaningful to make it worth my while? The mystery revealed is nothing special unless I’m badly misreading clues. There’s no deeper layer, just a puzzle.  This is the most frustrating kind of story for us, because the writing is quite strong, it promises something, then can’t quite deliver. It does have unicornish stuff, which Jamie has been craving. Pass to second read.

Story 2 (4700 word SF): The opening is lively, but the first person narrative is coming too close to “clever author” for me. Still, there seem to be some interesting concepts at work.  I’m getting a little frustrated that the protagonist’s goal is as unclear as the river we’re hearing about. The writing is solid, but begins to feel a little chit-chatty. A quick “as you know, Bob” moment disguised as jest. The eleventh paragraph gives us a concise situation statement. I would have liked that sooner. I’d also like to see some forward movement by now.  Another “as you know, Bob” exchanged disguised as info for the viewer. It works pretty well. The story begins moving forward about a quarter of the way in. Some more thinly disguised “as you know, Bob” dialogue. A third of the way in, we learn the protagonist is a reporter (i.e. has an actual goal).

Time out for a mini-rant. Speech tags in modern fiction are used to identify a speaker. That’s their function. When choosing between “X said” and “said X” choose the former unless you have a really good reason not to (e.g. archaic story setting, fable, etc). Think of it this way: if the goal of a speech tag is to efficiently identify X is speaking, is it more efficient to focus on “said” or “X”; “said” only postpones the connection for a moment.

Back to the story. Some more “as you know, Bob” dialogue, but the main problem is that the first person narrative has distanced me from the protagonist. First person tends to minimize the link between exterior event and interior reaction. Unless the interior experience is really intense/goofy/meaningful/unreliable  it’s difficult for the reader to be fully engaged. It’s counter intuitve, but we see it again and again. Reader identification with first person is difficult to pull off. Close third person where a reader can watch a character react to external stimulus (thus understanding the character from an objective distance) is much easier to pull off. It’s usually the right choice for genre stories. Choose third person unless you have a really important reason not to. Hmm, unintended mini-rant.  Back to story. Some panicky moralizing that feels like a developing message. Yep, incoming Message. Nice sense of escalation in the action. We end up somewhere unexpected that ties it to our theme. The story is way too long and develops too slowly, however. Reject.

Story 3 (488 word SF): This is a flash fiction that acts as a metaphor for the modern age of Islamic terrorism.  In that sense, it’ s interesting. The story, however, feels incomplete, the parts not played out for best effect. Mainly, this is a matter of sharpening and polish, I suspect. The story likely needs to be a little longer in order to build reader identification with the (iconic?) protagonist before the jolting end. The motivating device (complete with cool sparks and flame) works well for me, but I don’t quite feel the connection between it and the final image. It’s in there (in the form of a brief news story) but not completely connected yet (it’s a character issue as well, actually). Having said this, I’m seeing this as a potentially interesting addition to the anthology, a different take on the theme with real world implication, but it’s going to have to be a lot cleaner and sharper. I dunno. I’m not really compelled by it as I was the other flash piece we asked for a rewrite, but it’s intellectually interesting and could be strong with a solid revision. Pass to second read.

Story 4 (6500 word SF):  Long stories have a hard time with us, one strike. Starts with dialogue, two strikes. Reading on. Tense confusion in second paragraph confuses me; I’m not getting a solid sense of place. In fact I’m not SEEING anything on the first page. Not smelling, tasting, touching either, but seeing is crucial in establishing a scene for us sight-centric human readers. Unseen people talk without attribution on the next page. We learn crucial character fact too late. By this point I’m on strike three. I’ll keep reading out of courtesy.  Page 4, we learn (I think) we’re on an alien world with limited tech.  Seems to be turning into a murder mystery. Why was the opening scene necessary? Maybe it will be, but seems unlikely right now. Read on. Gets interesting on page 5. Page 6 gives more setting info (too late). Character seems curiously detached from her own tragedy. A nice turn of phrase on p 11. Story is moving along now. Gotta say, though, that it’s focusing on a lot of seemingly unimportant stuff. A bit of “as you know, Bob” on p16. Character named Rainbow? Seems kind of tacked on. The story is well shaped (yes, the opening mattered, though it failed to set up the character’s emotional state effectively). Clues lead to answers, etc. I’d call this a competent murder mystery SF story, just not compelling. Connection to theme is tenuous. From my perspective, the protagonist’s emotional arc needs considerable work to deserve this ending. Reject.

Story 5 (2530 word SF): The title is a bit bland, leading me to expect a typical story. That’s not a deal breaker, of course, but I could be more excited to get to this one. Starts out moving backward, usually not a good idea. We bore easily. It is a nice depiction of childhood fantasizing, but where is the story seed? Where is the story movement? Character motivation? We do have a concrete setting, which is good. I believe I see the ending coming about halfway through; will let you know. Yep, that’s the one. Small twist on what I figured, but not too different. Basically, the story we might be interested in is the one that begins after this final page. That said, there’s some good evocative writing here, just not enough story to make us spin. Reject.

Story 6 (4329 word Fantasy): This comes from a very accomplished author with more than 300 sales, 20 books, etc.. In a way these are among the more difficult stories to judge. I want to like the story out of respect, but more often than not they simply don’t pan out. I guess the lesson is that a trunk story from an excellent writers is not always better than a new story from a beginning writer. I should have known this, having read Ted Chiang’s only unsuccessful short story when I was at Clarion with him in ’89. He made sure it never saw the light of day, but it showed us peons that even giants can stumble. Anyway, on with this one. It starts with an unnamed protagonist. Strike one. There’s a sense of (possibly forced) mystery in the first couple pages. I’m not all that interested yet. So far no speculative element, story seems very simple. P3 who’s Pat? P4-5 moves to omniscient viewpoint to further sense of (possibly forced) mystery. I like the line by line writing, it’s not overly flowery, effectively conveys action and image. Story seems to be taking an awfully long time to go anywhere, though. P6-8 lots of background, little story movement. P9 I learn he’s going to the place I thought he was running from. Strike two. I learn the horse’s name. P10 moment of potential tension comes and goes without actual tension. Strike three. Reading out of courtesy now. P14 back to an omniscient moment to add to the (probably forced) mystery. That’s one mean horse, but where is the speculative element? P18, the dude’s Irish? Really? P18 delivers the speculative element. That’s a bit late to hook a speculative reader. Nicely sentimental ending. I liked that. Overall, too much of the story action takes place off the page. There’s very little tension to hold my interest and the speculative element comes way too late. Reject.

Story 7 (???? word SF): No word count or contact info on first page. Strike one.  The opening is a nice, easy exchange. Solid setting delivered with minimal word count. Change Strike one to ball one .  A clunky background disguised as dialogue instills a bit of doubt in me. Further somewhat clunky background interjection is worrisome. Nice description of secondary character – but this should be set up initially. I have to reinvent my vision. A quarter through and no speculative element. Story could (and prob should) start with them stumbling upon the unusual woman. There hasn’t been a real hook to this point. Not quite halfway through, I think I see the ending. Stay tuned. This gets interesting after the woman encounter.  Ends kind of lamely, unfortunately. A very nice incident that should have deeper meaning, but doesn’t yet. With some rethinking this could be very good. Not close enough for a rewrite request though. There’s an entire layer of meaning missing at this point, but the story is worth pursuing. Reject with suggestions.

Story 8 (2833 word SF): Unnamed protagonist. Strike one.  The prose is a bit pretentious in its bleakness. First pages is moving backward. Strike two. To be fair, a case can be made for a nameless protagonist, so back to Strike one. The prose is getting heavier and heavier, however; soon I won’t be able to keep my eyes moving. First nearly-half of story is telling us what protagonist is going to do; next section shows him attempting to do it. Very long for what it is so far.  Maybe he’s going to talk his adversary to death? Now he’s telling us his background, disguised as telling the adversary. “Allow me to explain” Oh, dear lord, no. Strike two and three. I like the final line. Basically, this is a description of a story that could be worth telling. As the story stands, it’s not. Reject.

Story 9 (620 word magic realism):  Nice hook. This is a nice attempt at fable with a feel good payoff. It certainly fits the theme. I’m just not convinced it actually works as well as it should. The escalation seems random rather than purposeful. The character arc is undeveloped. I think it needs a sharper progression and maybe a few more words, but it’s clever enough to consider. Pass to second read.

As you can tell, I had more time to devote to slush reading this week. I’ve tried to be more thorough (and brutally honest) with the above in hopes this can be helpful to writers out there who want to see the process through the editor’s perspective.

This week’s slushy goes to Story 9. It’s a perfect fit for the anthology. Other stories were more ambitious and even better written, but this one hits the sweet spot after some reworking.

Tune in again next week.

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